HOWTO: Become a Major League Umpire in Five Easy Steps

Have you ever stopped to think about what it would be like to be an umpire? To know the fate of a game rests in your hands? What would it be like to suit up and call the shots each day?

The power tripping begins and we're not even into the actual steps.

1. Enroll in school
"Most of (the students) have not worked (a game) at all before they go to umpire school. So they have to be taught the whole realm of everything it takes to be an umpire," he said.

Lepperd said the students learn how to handle themselves both on and off the field at the schools.

Is this where the Douche learned to booze and kiss ass? Do they have life-sized Bud Selig dolls to practice nuzzling in the nether cheeks?

2. Get noticed
Fitzpatrick said good judgment and character are things instructors look for as well.

"That's very, very important because we're entrusting the integrity of the game to the umpire. So we're looking for the highest quality type of individual that we can possibly recruit," Fitzpatrick said. "The whole integrity of the game rests with the umpire out there on the field."

Well Douche certainly has gotten noticed, not necessarily for those things though...

3. Finish at top of class
After attending the five-week course during January and part of February, the top graduates are selected to attend an Evaluation course.

Topics at this advanced level include "Coping with Blindness", "Officiating with your head up your ass" and "Advanced Fellatio for the junior crew member"

4. Begin assignment in lower league
At the Evaluation course, instructors monitor the students and make recommendations to the Rookie and short-season Class-A league presidents about possible candidates for hire. Then the new umpires then begin their trek to the Majors.

They make it sound like it's a Buddhist quest for enlightenment.

5. Wait for 'The Call'
Altogether there are 68 umpires in the Majors, and 225 in the minor leagues. With the small amount of openings and the low turnover, Fitzpatrick said it's very difficult for an umpire to make it past the minor leagues.

"From attending umpire school through making it to the Major Leagues, there's very, very few umpires that actually make it to the Major Leagues. It's a long shot," he said.

If that's the case then why is this asshat in the big show? Surely there must be one among the hungry 225 in the minors that has more skill and talent than the Douche?

The problem with this system of course is that there isn't a metric. They don't keep stats on ump, although bookies do. Good umps should stay, bad umps should go and be replaced by better umps.

Seems simple.