Thursday, October 13, 2005

Leslie Nielsen was very influential

Still, this warning was not the only poor decision made by an umpire in the Twins-Indians series. No, a much worse decision was made by Doug Eddings. Eddings, you see, woke up yesterday and thought, “I am going to be the home plate umpire tonight. I hear that the Grand Ole Creamery closes at 10pm tonight. If I’m going a scoop of butter brickle and a scoop of cinnamon ice cream in one of their homemade waffle cones, then I’m going to have to find a way to get the game to end quickly.”

He pondered how to end the game, and then remembered the greatest baseball scene in the history of movies. “Hmm,” Eddings thought, “Frank Drebin had to delay a game as long as possible so he started calling pitches balls and players safe when they were obviously out. If I call every single pitch a strike, then the game will end very quickly. My plan cannot fail.”

So Eddings set out to call every pitch a strike. Many hitters complained. Aaron Boone wasn’t happy, but Eddings pointed out that one strikeout wasn’t the reason that he’s the worst hitter this side of Cristian Guzman. Jody Gerut was perturbed, but Eddings reminded him that his last name should be pronouced Je-rut.

Justin Morneau wasn’t happy, but before Eddings could say anything, Brad Radke would run to the edge of the dugout and yell, “Hey Justin, shut up! Don’t you see? I can throw pitch after pitch wherever I want. If this umpire is going to keep allowing me to throw pitches eight inches outside and have them called strikes, then I will be unstoppable! If you keep striking out, then I shall become more powerful than the Indians could possibly imagine.”

I see I'm not the only one who's made the Naked Gun connection to the douche.


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